etc/JOKES

   1 The Free Software Foundation claims no copyright on this file,
   2 compiled largely from postings to public newsgroups and mailing lists,
   3 and the GNU project email archives.
   4
   5
   6 From:  Don Chiasson <G.CHIASSON@DREA-XX.ARPA>
   7 Subject: Some gnu jokes
   8 To: jokes@DREA-XX.ARPA, gergely@DREA-XX.ARPA, broome@DREA-XX.ARPA
   9 cc: G.CHIASSON@DREA-XX.ARPA
  10 Message-ID: <12329394624.13.G.CHIASSON@DREA-XX.ARPA>
  11
  12      Richard M. Stallman (RMS, widely known for creating EMACS) is writing
  13 a UNIX clone called GNU (which means Gnu's Not Unix--a recursive acronym).
  14 This seems to open the way to a whole gnu class of jokes.  For example:
  15
  16 Q:  What do you call a person who hacks while wearing no clothes?
  17 A:  A gnudist.
  18
  19 Q:  What do you call an eligible young hacker?
  20 A:  Gnubile.
  21
  22 Q:  What is a hacker's favorite candy?
  23 A:  Gnugat.   (Though it contains little gnutrition.)
  24
  25 Q:  What do you call a computer filled with air?
  26 A:  Gnumatic.
  27
  28 Q:  What do you call a novice hacker who keeps pestering you
  29     with foolish questions?
  30 A:  A gnuisance.
  31
  32 Q:  What do you call a subtle, clever hack in the favorite language?
  33 A:  A gnuanCe.
  34
  35 Q:  What do you use a supercomputer for?
  36 A:  Gnumerical analysis.
  37
  38 Q:  What do you call a hacker who collects coins?
  39 A:  A gnumismatist.
  40
  41      Well, there are more, just too gnumerous to tell all at once.  I think
  42 I'd better go before someone starts firing gnuclear weapons at me.
  43                 Don
  44
  45 From: patl@athena.mit.edu (Patrick J. LoPresti)
  46 Message-ID: <1991Jul11.031731.9260@athena.mit.edu>
  47 Sender: news@athena.mit.edu (News system)
  48 Subject: The True Path (long)
  49 Date: 11 Jul 91 03:17:31 GMT
  50 Path: ai-lab!mintaka!olivea!samsung!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!think.com!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!athena.mit.edu!patl
  51 Newsgroups: alt.religion.emacs,alt.slack
  52 Organization: Massachusetts Institute of Technology
  53 Lines: 95
  54 Xref: ai-lab alt.religion.emacs:244 alt.slack:1935
  55
  56 When I log into my Xenix system with my 110 baud teletype, both vi
  57 *and* Emacs are just too damn slow.  They print useless messages like,
  58 'C-h for help' and '"foo" File is read only'.  So I use the editor
  59 that doesn't waste my VALUABLE time.
  60
  61 Ed, man!  !man ed
  62
  63 ED(1)               UNIX Programmer's Manual                ED(1)
  64
  65 NAME
  66      ed - text editor
  67
  68 SYNOPSIS
  69      ed [ - ] [ -x ] [ name ]
  70 DESCRIPTION
  71      Ed is the standard text editor.
  72 ---
  73
  74 Computer Scientists love ed, not just because it comes first
  75 alphabetically, but because it's the standard.  Everyone else loves ed
  76 because it's ED!
  77
  78 "Ed is the standard text editor."
  79
  80 And ed doesn't waste space on my Timex Sinclair.  Just look:
  81
  82 -rwxr-xr-x  1 root          24 Oct 29  1929 /bin/ed
  83 -rwxr-xr-t  4 root     1310720 Jan  1  1970 /usr/ucb/vi
  84 -rwxr-xr-x  1 root  5.89824e37 Oct 22  1990 /usr/bin/emacs
  85
  86 Of course, on the system *I* administrate, vi is symlinked to ed.
  87 Emacs has been replaced by a shell script which 1) Generates a syslog
  88 message at level LOG_EMERG; 2) reduces the user's disk quota by 100K;
  89 and 3) RUNS ED!!!!!!
  90
  91 "Ed is the standard text editor."
  92
  93 Let's look at a typical novice's session with the mighty ed:
  94
  95 golem> ed
  96
  97 ?
  98 help
  99 ?
 100 ?
 101 ?
 102 quit
 103 ?
 104 exit
 105 ?
 106 bye
 107 ?
 108 hello?
 109 ?
 110 eat flaming death
 111 ?
 112 ^C
 113 ?
 114 ^C
 115 ?
 116 ^D
 117 ?
 118
 119 ---
 120 Note the consistent user interface and error reportage.  Ed is
 121 generous enough to flag errors, yet prudent enough not to overwhelm
 122 the novice with verbosity.
 123
 124 "Ed is the standard text editor."
 125
 126 Ed, the greatest WYGIWYG editor of all.
 127
 128 ED IS THE TRUE PATH TO NIRVANA!  ED HAS BEEN THE CHOICE OF EDUCATED
 129 AND IGNORANT ALIKE FOR CENTURIES!  ED WILL NOT CORRUPT YOUR PRECIOUS
 130 BODILY FLUIDS!!  ED IS THE STANDARD TEXT EDITOR!  ED MAKES THE SUN
 131 SHINE AND THE BIRDS SING AND THE GRASS GREEN!!
 132
 133 When I use an editor, I don't want eight extra KILOBYTES of worthless
 134 help screens and cursor positioning code!  I just want an EDitor!!
 135 Not a "viitor".  Not a "emacsitor".  Those aren't even WORDS!!!! ED!
 136 ED! ED IS THE STANDARD!!!
 137
 138 TEXT EDITOR.
 139
 140 When IBM, in its ever-present omnipotence, needed to base their
 141 "edlin" on a UNIX standard, did they mimic vi?  No.  Emacs?  Surely
 142 you jest.  They chose the most karmic editor of all.  The standard.
 143
 144 Ed is for those who can *remember* what they are working on.  If you
 145 are an idiot, you should use Emacs.  If you are an Emacs, you should
 146 not be vi.  If you use ED, you are on THE PATH TO REDEMPTION.  THE
 147 SO-CALLED "VISUAL" EDITORS HAVE BEEN PLACED HERE BY ED TO TEMPT THE
 148 FAITHLESS.  DO NOT GIVE IN!!!  THE MIGHTY ED HAS SPOKEN!!!
 149
 150 ?
 151
 152 From: The Unknown User <anonymous@nowhere.uucp>
 153 Subject: EMACS -- What does it mean?
 154 To: mit-prep!info-gnu-emacs@TOPAZ.RUTGERS.EDU
 155
 156 EMACS belongs in <sys/errno.h>: Editor too big!
 157
 158
 159 Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift
 160
 161
 162 From: harvard!topaz!BLUE!BRAIL@mit-eddie
 163 Date: 9 Sep 85 17:25:27 EDT
 164 Subject: EMACS -- What does it mean?
 165 To: mit-prep!info-gnu-emacs@TOPAZ.RUTGERS.EDU
 166
 167         EMACS may stand for "Editing MACroS," but some friends of mine
 168 suggested some more creative definitions. Here they are. Anyone have
 169 any additions?
 170
 171 --------
 172 Eight
 173 Megabytes
 174 And
 175 Constantly
 176 Swapping
 177
 178 Even a
 179 Master of
 180 Arts
 181 Comes
 182 Simpler
 183
 184 Emacs
 185 Manuals
 186 Are
 187 Cryptic and
 188 Surreal
 189
 190 Energetic
 191 Merchants
 192 Always
 193 Cultivate
 194 Sales
 195
 196 Each
 197 Manual's
 198 Audience is
 199 Completely
 200 Stupefied
 201
 202 Emacs
 203 Means
 204 A
 205 Crappy
 206 Screen
 207
 208 Eventually
 209 Munches
 210 All
 211 Computer
 212 Storage
 213
 214 Even
 215 My
 216 Aunt
 217 Crashes the
 218 System
 219
 220 Eradication of
 221 Memory
 222 Accomplished with
 223 Complete
 224 Simplicity
 225
 226 Elsewhere
 227 Maybe
 228 Alternative
 229 Civilizations
 230 Survive
 231
 232 Egregious
 233 Managers
 234 Actively
 235 Court
 236 Stallman
 237
 238 Esoteric
 239 Malleability
 240 Always
 241 Considered
 242 Silly
 243
 244 Emacs
 245 Manuals
 246 Always
 247 Cause
 248 Senility
 249
 250 Easily
 251 Maintained with the
 252 Assistance of
 253 Chemical
 254 Solutions
 255
 256 EMACS
 257 MACRO
 258 ACTED
 259 CREDO
 260 SODOM
 261
 262 Edwardian
 263 Manifestation of
 264 All
 265 Colonial
 266 Sins
 267
 268 Generally
 269 Not
 270 Used
 271
 272 Except by
 273 Middle
 274 Aged
 275 Computer
 276 Scientists
 277
 278 Extended
 279 Macros
 280 Are
 281 Considered
 282 Superfluous
 283
 284 Every
 285 Mode
 286 Accelerates
 287 Creation of
 288 Software
 289
 290 Elsewhere
 291 Maybe
 292 All
 293 Commands are
 294 Simple
 295
 296 Emacs
 297 May
 298 Allow
 299 Customized
 300 Screwups
 301
 302 Excellent
 303 Manuals
 304 Are
 305 Clearly
 306 Suppressed
 307
 308 Emetic
 309 Macros
 310 Assault
 311 Core and
 312 Segmentation
 313
 314 Embarrassed
 315 Manual-Writer
 316 Accused of
 317 Communist
 318 Subversion
 319
 320 Extensibility and
 321 Modifiability
 322 Aggravate
 323 Confirmed
 324 Simpletons
 325
 326 Emacs
 327 May
 328 Annihilate
 329 Command
 330 Structures
 331
 332 Easily
 333 Mangles,
 334 Aborts,
 335 Crashes and
 336 Stupefies
 337
 338 Extraneous
 339 Macros
 340 And
 341 Commands
 342 Stink
 343
 344 Exceptionally
 345 Mediocre
 346 Algorithm for
 347 Computer
 348 Scientists
 349
 350 EMACS
 351 Makes no
 352 Allowances
 353 Considering its
 354 Stiff price
 355
 356 Equine
 357 Mammals
 358 Are
 359 Considerably
 360 Smaller
 361
 362 Embarrassingly
 363 Mundane
 364 Advertising
 365 Cuts
 366 Sales
 367
 368 Every
 369 Moron
 370 Assumes
 371 CCA is
 372 Superior
 373
 374 Exceptionally
 375 Mediocre
 376 Autocratic
 377 Control
 378 System
 379
 380 EMACS
 381 May
 382 Alienate
 383 Clients and
 384 Supporters
 385
 386 Excavating
 387 Mayan
 388 Architecture
 389 Comes
 390 Simpler
 391
 392 Erasing
 393 Minds
 394 Allows
 395 Complete
 396 Submission
 397
 398 Every
 399 Male
 400 Adolescent
 401 Craves
 402 Sex
 403
 404 Elephantine
 405 Memory
 406 Absolutely
 407 Considered
 408 Sine que non
 409
 410 Emacs
 411 Makers
 412 Are
 413 Crazy
 414 Sickos
 415
 416 Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo-
 417 Macros
 418 Are
 419 Completely
 420 Slow
 421
 422 Experience the
 423 Mildest
 424 Ad
 425 Campaign ever
 426 Seen
 427
 428 Emacs
 429 Makefiles
 430 Annihilate
 431 C-
 432 Shells
 433
 434 Eradication of
 435 Memory
 436 Accomplished with
 437 Complete
 438 Simplicity
 439
 440 Emetic
 441 Macros
 442 Assault
 443 Core and
 444 Segmentation
 445
 446 Epileptic
 447 MLisp
 448 Aggravates
 449 Compiler
 450 Seizures
 451
 452 Eleven thousand
 453 Monkeys
 454 Asynchronously
 455 Crank out these
 456 Slogans
 457 -------
 458
 459
 460 From: ihnss!warren@mit-eddie (Warren Montgomery)
 461 Newsgroups: net.emacs
 462 Subject: Re: EMACS -- What does it mean?
 463 Date: Tue, 10-Sep-85 09:14:24 EDT
 464 Organization: AT&T Bell Labs, Naperville, IL
 465 Apparently-To: emacs-netnews-distribution@mit-prep
 466
 467 Someone at a luncheon suggested it meant:
 468
 469 Evenings,
 470 Mornings,
 471 And a
 472 Couple of
 473 Saturdays
 474
 475 (In reference to the odd hours that went into the creation of my
 476 implementation).
 477
 478 --
 479
 480         Warren Montgomery
 481         ihnss!warren
 482         IH ((312)-979) x2494
 483
 484 Date: Wed, 18 Sep 85 10:11:04 edt
 485 From: inmet!tower@inmet.inmet (Leonard H. Tower Jr.) <inmet!tower@cca-unix>
 486 Subject: Re: EMACS -- What does it mean?
 487 To: tower@MIT-PREP.ARPA
 488
 489 Received: by inmet.uucp (4.12/inmet) id AA02199; Wed, 18 Sep 85 09:10:17 edt
 490 Date: Wed, 18 Sep 85 09:10:17 edt
 491 Message-Id: <8509181310.AA02199@inmet.uucp>
 492 Uucp-Paths: {bellcore,ima,ihnp4}!inmet!tower
 493 Arpa-Path: ima!inmet!tower@CCA-UNIX.ARPA
 494 Organization:   Intermetrics, Inc., Cambridge, MA, USA
 495 Home:   36 Porter Street, Somerville, MA  02143, USA   +1 (617) 623-7739
 496 /* Written  6:48 pm  Sep 14, 1985 by gml@ssc-vax in inmet:net.emacs */
 497 /* ---------- "Re: EMACS -- What does it mean?" ---------- */
 498 Pleeeeeeeze!!!  Nice try on the meaning of EMACS.  I believe the
 499 correct acronym is:
 500
 501 Emacs
 502 Makes
 503 All
 504 Computing
 505 Simple
 506
 507 Thank you, and Good Night
 508 /* End of text from inmet:net.emacs */
 509
 510 From: ho95e!wcs@mit-eddie (Bill.Stewart.4K435.x0705)
 511 Newsgroups: net.emacs
 512 Subject: Re: EMACS -- What does it mean?
 513 Date: Thu, 26-Sep-85 21:43:54 EDT
 514 Organization: AT&T Bell Labs, Holmdel NJ
 515 Apparently-To: emacs-netnews-distribution@mit-prep
 516
 517 > > very interesting, but what does GNU stand for ?
 518 > GNU = Gnu's Not UNIX. There is also MINCE, for Mince Is Not a Complete Emacs.
 519 > More recursive acronyms, anyone?
 520 Many people have also seen FINE Is Not Emacs, but the one that has
 521 character is THief Isn't Even Fine.
 522 --
 523 ## Bill Stewart, AT&T Bell Labs, Holmdel NJ 1-201-949-0705 ihnp4!ho95c!wcs
 524
 525 Path: mit-eddie!think!harvard!bbnccv!bbncca!linus!decvax!mcnc!ncsu!uvacs!edison!ta2
 526 From: edison!ta2@mit-eddie (tom allebrandi)
 527 Newsgroups: net.emacs
 528 Subject: Re: Re: EMACS -- What does it mean?
 529 Date: Sun, 29-Sep-85 18:11:55 EDT
 530 Organization: General Electric's Mountain Resort
 531 Apparently-To: emacs-netnews-distribution@mit-prep
 532
 533 > GNU = Gnu's Not UNIX. There is also MINCE, for Mince Is Not a Complete Emacs.
 534 >
 535 > More recursive acronyms, anyone?
 536 >
 537
 538 For the DEC-system-10/20: FINE - Fine Is Not Emacs.....
 539
 540 --
 541 ...............
 542 tom allebrandi 2, general electric aco, charlottesville, va
 543 {decvax,duke}!mcnc!ncsu!uvacs!edison!ta2
 544 box 8106, charlottesville, va, 22906
 545 (804) 978-5566
 546 ...............
 547
 548 Date: Wed, 16 Oct 85 01:38:12 edt
 549 From: inmet!tower (Leonard H. Tower Jr.) <inmet!tower@cca-unix>
 550 Subject: more names
 551 To: tower@MIT-PREP.ARPA
 552
 553 Received: by inmet.uucp (4.12/inmet) id AA12997; Tue, 15 Oct 85 22:31:39 edt
 554 Date: Tue, 15 Oct 85 22:31:39 edt
 555 Message-Id: <8510160231.AA12997@inmet.uucp>
 556 Uucp-Paths: {bellcore,ima,ihnp4}!inmet!tower
 557 Arpa-Path: ima!inmet!tower@CCA-UNIX.ARPA
 558 Organization:   Intermetrics, Inc., Cambridge, MA, USA
 559 Home:   36 Porter Street, Somerville, MA  02143, USA   +1 (617) 623-7739
 560 /* Written 12:20 pm  Oct 14, 1985 by rs@mirror.UUCP in inmet:net.emacs */
 561
 562
 563 SINE:   Sine Is Not Emacs
 564         (MIT Architecture Machine Group)
 565
 566 EINE:   Eine is Not Emacs
 567         (MIT Lisp Machine)
 568
 569 ZWEI:   Zwei Was Eine Initially
 570         ("rev2" of EINE)
 571
 572 --
 573 Rich $alz       {mit-eddie, ihnp4!inmet, wjh12, cca, datacube} !mirror!rs
 574 Mirror Systems  2067 Massachusetts Ave.
 575 617-661-0777    Cambridge, MA, 02140
 576 /* End of text from inmet:net.emacs */
 577
 578 Path: mit-eddie!genrad!panda!talcott!harvard!seismo!gatech!ulysses!pajb
 579 From: ulysses!pajb@mit-eddie (Paul Bennett)
 580 Newsgroups: net.emacs
 581 Subject: Here we go again ...
 582 Date: Sat, 19-Oct-85 17:26:49 EDT
 583 Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories, Murray Hill
 584 Apparently-To: emacs-netnews-distribution@mit-prep
 585
 586
 587 > EINE: Eine is Not Emacs
 588 >       (MIT Lisp Machine)
 589 >
 590 > ZWEI: Zwei Was Eine Initially
 591 >       ("rev2" of EINE)
 592
 593 DREI:   DREI - Really Emacs Inside
 594         (Exists only in my head)
 595
 596 From: friedman@gnu.ai.mit.edu (Noah Friedman)
 597 Sender: friedman@gnu.ai.mit.edu
 598 To: jimb@gnu.ai.mit.edu, rms@gnu.ai.mit.edu
 599 Subject: etc/emacs.names
 600 Date: Fri, 9 Oct 92 00:54:57 edt
 601
 602 The following should be added:
 603
 604
 605 Emacs
 606 Makes
 607 A
 608 Computer
 609 Slow
 610
 611 From: S_TITZ@iravcl.ira.uka.de (Olaf Titz)
 612 Newsgroups: alt.religion.emacs
 613 Subject: Re: what emacs stands for
 614 Date: 12 Oct 92 19:29:32 GMT
 615
 616 Emacs Masquerades As Comfortable Shell
 617 Ever Made A Control-key Setup?
 618 Emacs: My Alternative Computer Story
 619 Emacs Made Almost Completely Screwed
 620        (by extensive use of M-x global-unset-key)
 621 Emacs Macht Alle Computer Schoen
 622        (deutsch)  (=Emacs makes all computers beautiful)
 623 Each Mail A Continued Surprise
 624 Every Mode Acknowledges Customized Strokes
 625        (keystrokes, of course :-)
 626 Eating Memory And Cycle-Sucking
 627 Everyday Material Almost Compiled Successfully
 628
 629 now enough bashing for today :-)
 630
 631
 632 From: elvis@gnu.ai.mit.edu
 633 To: emacs-19-bugs@gnu.ai.mit.edu
 634 Subject: missing from etc/emacs.names
 635 Date: Thu, 20 May 93 02:21:27 edt
 636
 637
 638 Elvis
 639 Masterminds
 640 All
 641 Computer
 642 Software
 643
 644 Just so you boys know the score.
 645
 646 Thank you very Much,
 647 The King