Commit | Line | Data |
---|---|---|
822eb217 | 1 | Zippy the pinhead data base. |
a0cf9a65 | 2 | Everything up to the first ascii \000 (`null') character is a comment. |
82a393fc | 3 | The file consists of Zippy quotations (from various comic books and |
a0cf9a65 | 4 | strips by Bill Griffith) followed by a null character. |
822eb217 | 5 | Newline characters following a quotation are ignored and are present |
a0cf9a65 NF |
6 | only for readability. |
7 | Have FUN! | |
8 | This file is currently used by: | |
9 | * the FORTUNE program on OZ.AI.MIT.EDU | |
10 | * the m-x yow command in GNU Emacs. | |
11 | * NIL (MIT Common Lisp)'s debugger | |
82a393fc RS |
12 | * something Bandy wrote at LLL-CRG.ARPA (fucking death labs). |
13 | * Henry's Zippy proxy (http://www.metahtml.com/apps/zippy/) | |
a0cf9a65 | 14 | \0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
15 | A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!\0 |
16 | A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
17 | A GRAM?? A BRAM... A GROOM... A BROOM... Oh, Yeh!! Wash the |
18 | ROOM!!\0 | |
19 | ...A housewife is wearing a polypyrene jumpsuit!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
20 | A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..\0 |
21 | A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with | |
22 | LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 23 | Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
24 | After this, I'm going to BURN some RUBBER!!\0 |
25 | After THIS, let's go to PHILADELPHIA and have TRIPLETS!!\0 | |
26 | AIEEEEE! I am having an UNDULATING EXPERIENCE!\0 | |
27 | ALFRED JARRY! Say something about th' DEATH of DISCO!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
28 | All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled |
29 | by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS...\0 | |
30 | All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, | |
31 | grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! | |
32 | ... Although I don't know WHY!!\0 | |
33 | All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!\0 | |
34 | All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!\0 | |
35 | All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!\0 | |
36 | Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
37 | Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?\0 |
38 | Am I elected yet?\0 | |
82a393fc | 39 | ..Am I in a SOAP OPERA??\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 40 | Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?\0 |
82a393fc | 41 | Am I SHOPLIFTING?\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
42 | America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into |
43 | your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind --\0 | |
82a393fc | 44 | An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
45 | An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??\0 |
46 | An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 47 | And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
48 | ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like |
49 | RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR!\0 | |
50 | Are BOTH T.V.S on??\0 | |
51 | .. are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?\0 | |
52 | ..Are we having FUN yet...?\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
53 | Are we live or on tape?\0 |
54 | Are we on STRIKE yet?\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
55 | Are we THERE yet?\0 |
56 | Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!\0 | |
57 | Are we THERE yet?!\0 | |
58 | Are we THERE yet??\0 | |
59 | Are you guys lined up for the METHADONE PROGRAM or FOOD STAMPS??\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
60 | Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??\0 |
61 | Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!\0 | |
62 | Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
63 | Are you still SEXUALLY ACTIVE? Did you BRING th' REINFORCEMENTS?\0 |
64 | As a FAD follower, my BEVERAGE choices are rich and fulfilling!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 65 | As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!\0 |
3b1e30d3 | 66 | Ask me the DIFFERENCE between PHIL SILVERS and ALEXANDER HAIG!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 67 | Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?\0 |
82a393fc | 68 | Bagels...\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 69 | BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
70 | Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away! |
71 | But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at ``Mr. Liquor''!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
72 | BARRY.. That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of |
73 | ``I DID IT MY WAY'' I've ever heard!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
74 | BEEP-BEEP!! I'm a '49 STUDEBAKER!!\0 |
75 | Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
76 | BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot..\0 |
77 | BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
78 | ... Blame it on the BOSSA NOVA!!!\0 |
79 | .. bleakness.... desolation.... plastic forks...\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
80 | Bo Derek ruined my life!\0 |
81 | Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...\0 | |
82 | Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!\0 | |
3b1e30d3 | 83 | BRYLCREAM is CREAM O' WHEAT in another DIMENSION..\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 84 | But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?\0 |
82a393fc RS |
85 | By MEER biz doo SCHOIN..\0 |
86 | C'MON, everybody!! I've flown in LESLIE GORE and two dozen KOSHER | |
87 | BUTCHERS! They'll be doing intricate MILITARY MANEUVERS to the | |
88 | soundtrack from "OKLAHOMA"!!\0 | |
89 | CALIFORNIA is where people from IOWA or NEW YORK go to subscribe to | |
90 | CABLE TELEVISION!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
91 | Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?\0 |
92 | Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?\0 | |
93 | Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
94 | CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!\0 |
95 | CHUBBY CHECKER owns my BUILDING!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
96 | Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!\0 |
97 | Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!\0 | |
98 | Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! | |
99 | Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE EXIT!! | |
100 | Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! | |
101 | JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
102 | CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about |
103 | DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
104 | Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON.. The waitress's |
105 | UNIFORM sheds TARTAR SAUCE like an 8'' by 10'' GLOSSY..\0 | |
106 | Could I have a drug overdose?\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
107 | "DARK SHADOWS" is on!! Hey, I think the VAMPIRE forgot his UMBRELLA!!\0 |
108 | Darling, my ELBOW is FLYING over FRANKFURT, Germany..\0 | |
109 | Dehydrated EGGS are STREWN across ROULETTE TABLES..\0 | |
110 | Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations | |
111 | in a MALIBU HOT TUB?\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
112 | Did I do an INCORRECT THING??\0 |
113 | Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
114 | Did I SELL OUT yet??\0 |
115 | Did we bring enough BEEF JERKY?\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 116 | Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?\0 |
82a393fc RS |
117 | Did you GAIN WEIGHT in th' past 5 MINUTES or am I just DREAMING of two |
118 | BROCCOLI FLORETS lying in an empty GAS TANK?\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 119 | Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?\0 |
82a393fc | 120 | DIDI... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 121 | Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?\0 |
3b1e30d3 | 122 | Didn't KIERKEGAARD wear out his TIRES in VIENNA during a SNOWSTORM of |
82a393fc | 123 | FREUD's unpaid DENTAL BILLS?\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
124 | Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running |
125 | straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions | |
126 | and devalue the dollar!\0 | |
82a393fc | 127 | Dizzy, are we "REAL PEOPLE" or "AMAZING ANIMALS"?\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 128 | Do I have a lifestyle yet?\0 |
82a393fc RS |
129 | Do I hear th' SPINNING of various WHIRRING, ROUND, and WARM |
130 | WHIRLOMATICS?!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
131 | Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?\0 |
132 | Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
133 | .. Do you like ``TENDER VITTLES?''?\0 |
134 | Do you need any MOUTH-TO-MOUTH resuscitation?\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
135 | Do you think the ``Monkees'' should get gas on odd or even days?\0 |
136 | Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
137 | Does that mean I'm not a well-adjusted person??\0 |
138 | .. does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?\0 | |
139 | DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES... WAIT!! | |
140 | Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell!... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 141 | Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!\0 |
82a393fc | 142 | Don't SANFORIZE me!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
143 | Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! |
144 | .. FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, | |
145 | BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY!.. Are there any QUESTIONS??\0 | |
146 | Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!\0 | |
147 | Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!\0 | |
148 | Either CONFESS now or we go to ``PEOPLE'S COURT''!!\0 | |
149 | Everybody gets free BORSCHT!\0 | |
150 | Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale | |
151 | or a disaster Movie!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
152 | ..Everything is....FLIPPING AROUND!!\0 |
153 | Everything will be ALL RIGHT if we can just remember things about | |
154 | ALGEBRA.. or SOCCER.. or SOCIALISM..\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
155 | Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT...\0 |
156 | Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the | |
157 | survival of OFFSET PRINTING?\0 | |
158 | FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!\0 | |
3b1e30d3 | 159 | Feel th' WHIRLING BUFFERS buffing away all that stress... |
82a393fc | 160 | Years of ROAD TAR gently washing away...\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
161 | Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the |
162 | faculty dining room.\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
163 | FIRST, I was in a TRUCK...THEN, I was in a DINER...\0 |
164 | FIRST, I'm covering you with OLIVE OIL and PRUNE WHIP!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
165 | First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test.. |
166 | So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
167 | FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH!!\0 |
168 | Fold, fold, FOLD!! FOLDING many items!!\0 | |
169 | FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
170 | Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my |
171 | gothic solarium!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
172 | FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS..\0 |
173 | FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
174 | Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make |
175 | my satellite dish PAYMENTS!\0 | |
82a393fc | 176 | ...Get me a GIN and TONIC!!...make it HAIR TONIC!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
177 | Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ---\0 |
178 | Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!\0 | |
179 | Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
180 | GOOD-NIGHT, everybody.. Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID |
181 | to my pet LEISURE SUIT!!\0 | |
182 | Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha Ha Ha Ha Ha -- When will I EVER stop HAVING | |
183 | FUN?!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 184 | HAIR TONICS, please!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
185 | Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!\0 |
186 | Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard | |
187 | -- I'm living for today!\0 | |
188 | Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??... | |
189 | Now, it's time to ``HAVE A NAGEELA''!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
190 | Have my two-tone, 1958 Nash METRO brought around..\0 |
191 | .. he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
192 | He is the MELBA-BEING... the ANGEL CAKE... |
193 | XEROX him... XEROX him --\0 | |
194 | He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE | |
195 | inside me like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd | |
822eb217 | 196 | like to PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORIZE ME until I have no objection |
a0cf9a65 NF |
197 | to a RIGHT-WING MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess |
198 | I should call AL PACINO!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
199 | HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!\0 |
200 | HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 201 | Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
202 | HELLO, little boys! Gimme a MINT TULIP!! Let's do the BOSSA NOVA!!\0 |
203 | --Hello, POLICE? I"ve got ABBOTT & COSTELLO here on suspicion of | |
204 | HIGHWAY ROBBERY!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
205 | Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic |
206 | Alaskan females!!\0 | |
207 | Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your | |
208 | INTESTINES being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!\0 | |
209 | Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! | |
210 | World War III? No thanks!\0 | |
211 | Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..\0 | |
212 | Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying | |
213 | my urine sample bottles..\0 | |
82a393fc | 214 | .. here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
215 | Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN |
216 | anywhere!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
217 | Here is my refrigerator full of FLANK STEAK...and over there is my |
218 | UPHOLSTERED CANOE...I don't know WHY I OWN them!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 219 | Here we are in America... when do we collect unemployment?\0 |
82a393fc RS |
220 | HERE!! Put THIS on!! I'm in CHARGE!!\0 |
221 | Hey!! Let's watch the' ELEVATOR go UP and DOWN at th' HILTON HOTEL!!\0 | |
222 | Hey, I LIKE that POINT!!\0 | |
223 | Hey, LOOK!! A pair of SIZE 9 CAPRI PANTS!! They probably belong to | |
224 | SAMMY DAVIS, JR.!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
225 | Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!!.. you're not Clint Eastwood!!\0 |
226 | Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!\0 | |
227 | Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some | |
228 | drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
229 | Hmmm.. a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT |
230 | by a TROLLEY-CAR..\0 | |
3b1e30d3 | 231 | Hmmm.. A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted |
82a393fc | 232 | island, when...\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
233 | Hmmm... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET FIDDLE |
234 | ORCHESTRA... ha.. ha..\0 | |
235 | Hmmm... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of | |
236 | POLYVINYL CHLORIDE...\0 | |
237 | Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS...\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
238 | HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!\0 |
239 | HOW could a GLASS be YELLING??\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
240 | How do I get HOME?\0 |
241 | How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? | |
242 | It's th' MOUSTACHE... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates | |
243 | SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take | |
244 | HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!\0 | |
822eb217 | 245 | How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing |
a0cf9a65 NF |
246 | PENCIL SHARPENERS right NOW??\0 |
247 | How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??\0 | |
248 | How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
249 | .. hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.\0 |
250 | HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!\0 | |
251 | HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST...\0 | |
252 | Hydraulic pizza oven!! Guided missile! Herring sandwich! Styrofoam! | |
253 | Jayne Mansfield! Aluminum siding! Borax! Pedal pushers! Jukebox!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 254 | I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
255 | I always liked FLAG DAY!!\0 |
256 | I always wanted a NOSE JOB!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 257 | I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.\0 |
3b1e30d3 | 258 | I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginsberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
259 | I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!\0 |
260 | I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
261 | I am having a CONCEPTION--\0 |
262 | I am having a pleasant time!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 263 | I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?\0 |
82a393fc RS |
264 | I am KING BOMBA of Sicily!..I will marry LUCILLE BALL next Friday!\0 |
265 | I am NOT a nut....\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
266 | I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!\0 |
267 | I brought my BOWLING BALL - and some DRUGS!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
268 | I call it a "SARDINE ON WHEAT"!\0 |
269 | -- I can do ANYTHING ... I can even ... SHOPLIFT!!\0 | |
270 | I can see you GUYS an' GALS need a LOT of HELP...You're all very | |
271 | STUPID!! I used to be STUPID, too..before I started watching UHF-TV!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
272 | I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! |
273 | I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!\0 | |
274 | I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of | |
275 | LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS...\0 | |
82a393fc | 276 | I decided to be JOHN TRAVOLTA instead!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
277 | I demand IMPUNITY!\0 |
278 | I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA.. But no WOO-WOO!\0 | |
279 | I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all | |
280 | just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen-- | |
281 | .. to sell more numbers!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
282 | .. I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. |
283 | LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
284 | I don't know WHY I said that.. I think it came from the FILLINGS |
285 | in my rear molars..\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
286 | I don't think you fellows would do so much RAPING and PILLAGING if you |
287 | played more PINBALL and watched CABLE TELEVISION!!\0 | |
288 | .. I don't understand the HUMOR of the THREE STOOGES!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 289 | I feel better about world problems now!\0 |
82a393fc | 290 | I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
291 | I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV..\0 |
292 | I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 293 | I feel partially hydrogenated!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
294 | I feel real SOPHISTICATED being in FRANCE!\0 |
295 | .. I feel.. JUGULAR..\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
296 | I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies |
297 | of the ``WATCHTOWER'' and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to | |
298 | the top.. They look NICE in the yard--\0 | |
82a393fc | 299 | I FORGOT to do the DISHES!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 300 | I guess it was all a DREAM.. or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O...\0 |
82a393fc | 301 | I guess we can live on his POT FARM in HADES!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
302 | I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!\0 |
303 | I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81...\0 | |
304 | I had pancake makeup for brunch!\0 | |
305 | I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD\0 | |
82a393fc | 306 | I HAVE a towel.\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 307 | I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.\0 |
82a393fc | 308 | .. I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
309 | I have accepted Provolone into my life!\0 |
310 | I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
311 | I have no actual hairline...\0 |
312 | I have nostalgia for the late Sixties! In 1969 I left my laundry with | |
3b1e30d3 | 313 | a hippie!! During an unauthorized Tupperware party it was chopped & |
82a393fc RS |
314 | diced!\0 |
315 | --- I have seen the FUN ---\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
316 | I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket.. |
317 | .. I have read the INSTRUCTIONS...\0 | |
318 | I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
319 | I HAVE to buy a new ``DODGE MISER'' and two dozen JORDACHE |
320 | JEANS because my viewscreen is ``USER-FRIENDLY''!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
321 | I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling |
322 | every day from Oral Roberts!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 323 | I HIJACKED a 747 to get here!! I hope those fabulous CONEHEADS are at HOME!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
324 | I hope I bought the right relish... zzzzzzzzz...\0 |
325 | I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have | |
326 | a REASON to live!!\0 | |
327 | I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control...\0 | |
328 | I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half | |
329 | your life savings in yeast!!\0 | |
330 | I invented skydiving in 1989!\0 | |
331 | I joined scientology at a garage sale!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 332 | I just bought FLATBUSH from MICKEY MANTLE!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
333 | I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!\0 |
334 | I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker.. | |
335 | But now I can't remember WHO he is...\0 | |
82a393fc | 336 | I just had a MAJOR CONTRACT DISPUTE with SUZANNE SOMERS!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
337 | I just had a NOSE JOB!!\0 |
338 | I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!\0 | |
339 | I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch | |
340 | with my LEISURE SUIT!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 341 | I just put lots of the EGG SALAD in the SILK SOCKS --\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 342 | I just remembered something about a TOAD!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
343 | ..I just walked into th' HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES with fourteen WET |
344 | DOLPHINS and an out-of-date MARRIAGE MANUAL...\0 | |
3b1e30d3 | 345 | A KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little |
82a393fc RS |
346 | COLE SLAW on the SIDE?\0 |
347 | I Know A Joke\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 348 | I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
349 | I know how to get the hostesses released! Give them their own |
350 | television series!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
351 | I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!\0 |
352 | I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!\0 | |
353 | I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
354 | I LIKE Aisle 7a.\0 |
355 | I like the IMPUDENT NOSE on that car.. Are you a TEEN-AGER? \0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
356 | I like the way ONLY their mouths move.. They look like DYING OYSTERS\0 |
357 | I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
358 | ... I live in a FUR-LINE FALLOUT SHELTER\0 |
359 | I love FRUIT PICKERS!!\0 | |
3b1e30d3 | 360 | --``I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now. |
82a393fc RS |
361 | I fed the cat. - Zippy''\0 |
362 | I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to ``WIPE-OUT'' in 1965!!\0 | |
363 | ..I must be a VETERINARIAN..\0 | |
364 | I need "RONDO".\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
365 | I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least |
366 | six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!\0 | |
367 | I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!\0 | |
368 | I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
369 | I OWN six pink HIPPOS!!\0 |
370 | I predict that by 1993 everyone will live in and around LAS VEGAS and | |
371 | wear BEATLE HAIRCUTS!\0 | |
372 | I pretend I'm living in a styrofoam packing crate, high in th' | |
373 | SWISS ALPS, still unable to accept th' idea of TOUCH-TONE DIALING!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
374 | I put aside my copy of ``BOWLING WORLD'' and think |
375 | about GUN CONTROL legislation..\0 | |
376 | I represent a sardine!!\0 | |
377 | I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!\0 | |
82a393fc | 378 | .. I see TOILET SEATS...\0 |
822eb217 | 379 | I selected E5... but I didn't hear ``Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs''!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
380 | I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!\0 |
381 | I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!\0 | |
382 | I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
383 | .. I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with |
384 | a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS...\0 | |
385 | I think I'll do BOTH if I can get RESIDUALS!!\0 | |
386 | .. I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this | |
3b1e30d3 | 387 | 14th STORY WINDOW while reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
388 | I think I'll make SCRAMBLED EGGS!! They're each in LITTLE SHELLS..\0 |
389 | ...I think I'm having an overnight sensation right now!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 390 | I think my CAREER is RUINED!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
391 | I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the |
392 | HIGH RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 393 | .. I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
394 | I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go.. with EXTRA MSG!!\0 |
395 | I want a WESSON OIL lease!!\0 | |
822eb217 | 396 | I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!\0 |
3b1e30d3 | 397 | I want DUSTIN HOFFMAN!! .. I want LIBERACE!! YOW!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
398 | I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!\0 |
399 | .. I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within | |
400 | SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
401 | I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.\0 |
402 | I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with | |
403 | VASELINE and WHEAT THINS..\0 | |
404 | I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 405 | .. I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 406 | I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space...\0 |
82a393fc RS |
407 | I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!\0 |
408 | I want to TAKE IT HOME and DRESS IT UP in HOT PANTS!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
409 | I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY.. |
410 | BACKWARDS!!\0 | |
411 | I want you to organize my PASTRY trays... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in | |
412 | formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- | |
413 | please don't be FURIOUS with me --\0 | |
414 | I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
415 | I was giving HAIR CUTS to th' SAUCER PEOPLE .. I'm CLEAN!!\0 |
416 | I was in a HOT TUB! I was NORMAL! I was ITALIAN!! I enjoyed th' | |
417 | EARTHQUAKE!\0 | |
418 | I was in EXCRUCIATING PAIN until I started reading JACK AND JILL | |
419 | Magazine!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 420 | I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
421 | I will establish the first SHOPPING MALL in NUTLEY, New Jersey...\0 |
422 | I will invent "TIDY BOWL"...\0 | |
423 | I will SHAVE and buy JELL-O and bring my MARRIAGE MANUAL!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
424 | I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!\0 |
425 | I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!\0 | |
426 | I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
427 | .. I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE |
428 | as a COMPLETE STRANGER?\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
429 | I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!\0 |
430 | I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?\0 | |
431 | I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --\0 | |
432 | I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!\0 | |
433 | I'd like some JUNK FOOD... and then I want to be ALONE --\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
434 | I'd like TRAINED SEALS and a CONVERTIBLE on my doorstep by NOON!!\0 |
435 | I'll clean your ROOM!! I know some GOOD stories, too!! All about | |
436 | ROAD Island's, HUSH Puppies, and how LUKE finds GOLD on his LAND!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 437 | I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
438 | I'LL get it!! It's probably a FEW of my ITALIAN GIRL-FRIENDS!!\0 |
439 | ..I'll make you an ASHTRAY!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 440 | I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS...\0 |
82a393fc | 441 | I'll take ROAST BEEF if you're out of LAMB!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 442 | I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany\0 |
82a393fc | 443 | I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
444 | I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!\0 |
445 | I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!\0 | |
446 | I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
447 | I'm an East Side TYPE..\0 |
448 | I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
449 | I'm changing the CHANNEL.. But all I get is commercials |
450 | for ``RONCO MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS''!\0 | |
451 | I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 452 | I'm CONTROLLED by the CIA!! EVERYONE is controlled by the CIA!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 453 | I'm definitely not in Omaha!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
454 | I'm DESPONDENT... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this |
455 | miniature DOMED STADIUM...\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 456 | I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...\0 |
82a393fc | 457 | I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 458 | I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
459 | I'm EXCITED!! I want a FLANK STEAK WEEK-END!! I think I'm JULIA |
460 | CHILD!!\0 | |
461 | I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 462 | I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
463 | I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!\0 |
464 | I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!\0 | |
465 | I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE.. and I don't take any DRUGS\0 | |
466 | I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 467 | I'm having an emotional outburst!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
468 | I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE |
469 | in my PAJAMA POCKET??\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
470 | I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES |
471 | of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS..\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 472 | I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
473 | .. I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM |
474 | of a KOSHER DELI --\0 | |
475 | I'm in a twist contest!! I'm in a bathtub! It's on Mars!! I'm in | |
476 | tip-top condition!\0 | |
477 | I'm in ATLANTIC CITY riding in a comfortable ROLLING CHAIR...\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 478 | I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.\0 |
82a393fc RS |
479 | I'm in DISGUISE as a BAGGAGE CHECKER....I can watch the house, if it's |
480 | ORANGE...\0 | |
481 | I'm in LOVE with DON KNOTTS!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 482 | I'm into SOFTWARE!\0 |
82a393fc | 483 | I'm losing my hair..did it go to ATLANTIC CITY??\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
484 | I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my |
485 | PERSONAL SPACE!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
486 | I'm MENTALLY here.. but PHYSICALLY I'm purchasing NAUGAHYDE furniture |
487 | in the' SUBURBS of PHOENIX!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
488 | I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? |
489 | Where's ROD STERLING when you really need him?\0 | |
490 | I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!\0 | |
491 | I'm not available for comment..\0 | |
492 | I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??\0 | |
493 | I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS | |
494 | instead of RICARDO MONTALBAN!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
495 | I'm protected by a ROLL-ON I rented from AVIS..\0 |
496 | I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of ``BOWLING WORLD'' | |
497 | while my wife and two children stand QUIETLY BY..\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
498 | I'm rated PG-34!!\0 |
499 | I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
500 | I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! |
501 | Equip me with MISSILES!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
502 | I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do |
503 | the Latin Hustle now!\0 | |
504 | I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!\0 | |
505 | I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN.. To me, it's ENJOYABLE.. | |
506 | I'm WARM.. I'm VIBRATORY..\0 | |
507 | I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and | |
508 | computer-generated IMAGE FORMATIONS..\0 | |
509 | I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN..\0 | |
510 | I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the | |
511 | INNER WORKINGS of this POTATO!!\0 | |
512 | I'm wearing PAMPERS!!\0 | |
513 | I'm wet! I'm wild!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
514 | I'm working under the direct orders of WAYNE NEWTON to deport |
515 | consenting adults!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 516 | I'm young.. I'm HEALTHY.. I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
517 | I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.\0 |
518 | I'm ZIPPY!! Are we having FUN yet??\0 | |
519 | I've been WRITING to SOPHIA LOREN every 45 MINUTES since JANUARY 1ST!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
520 | I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT...\0 |
521 | I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, | |
522 | you forget your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
523 | I've got to get these SNACK CAKES to NEWARK by DAWN!!\0 |
524 | I've gotta GO, now!! I wanta tell you you're a GREAT bunch of guys | |
525 | but you ought to CHANGE your UNDERWEAR more often!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 526 | I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
527 | .. ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr... |
528 | ich lande im antiken Rom... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble... | |
529 | ich rieche PIZZA...\0 | |
530 | If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD | |
531 | for MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE | |
532 | of a GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!\0 | |
533 | If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American | |
534 | a 55-year-old houseboy...\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
535 | If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!\0 |
536 | If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE | |
537 | will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
538 | .. If I cover this entire WALL with MAZOLA, wdo I have to give my |
539 | AGENT ten per cent??\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
540 | If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!\0 |
541 | If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th'collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
542 | .. If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!\0 |
543 | If I have enough money to buy 5,000 CANS of NOODLE-RONI, can I get a | |
544 | VAT of MARSHMALLOW FLUFF free??\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 545 | If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
546 | - if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!\0 |
547 | If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
548 | If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will |
549 | Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
550 | If this is the DATING GAME I want to know your FAVORITE PLANET! Do I |
551 | get th' MICROWAVE MOPED?\0 | |
552 | If this was a SWEDISH MOVIE, I'd take off your GO-GO BOOTS!!\0 | |
553 | If you STAY in China, I'll give you 4,000 BUSHELS of "ATOMIC MOUSE" | |
554 | pencil sharpeners!!\0 | |
555 | Imagine--a WORLD without POODLES...\0 | |
556 | Impudent.. Yet possessing a certain ALUMINUM SILICATE | |
557 | overbite....Needs REDDY-WHIP!!\0 | |
558 | -- In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a | |
559 | ``Continental Belt,'' for $10.99!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 560 | In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
561 | In order to make PLANS for the WEEKEND...so that we can read RESTAURANT |
562 | REVIEWS and decide to GO to that restaurant & then NEVER GO...so we can | |
563 | meet a FRIEND after work in a BAR and COMPLAIN about Interior Sect'y | |
564 | JAMES WATT until the SUBJECT is changed to NUCLEAR BLACKMAIL...and so | |
565 | our RELATIVES can FORCE us to listen to HOCKEY STATISTICS while we | |
566 | wait for them to LEAVE on the 7:48....\0 | |
567 | INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 568 | Inside, I'm already SOBBING!\0 |
82a393fc | 569 | Intra-mural sports results are filtering through th' plumbing...\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
570 | Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? |
571 | Or are we suffering in Safeway?\0 | |
572 | Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in | |
573 | one wild afternoon??\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
574 | Is it clean in other dimensions?\0 |
575 | Is it FUN to be a MIDGET?\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
576 | Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop |
577 | in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY?\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 578 | Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?\0 |
82a393fc RS |
579 | Is the EIGHTIES when they had ART DECO and GERALD McBOING-BOING lunch |
580 | boxes??\0 | |
581 | Is there something I should be DOING with a GLAZED DONUT??\0 | |
582 | Is this "BIKINI BEACH"?\0 | |
583 | Is this "BOOZE"?\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 584 | Is this an out-take from the ``BRADY BUNCH''?\0 |
82a393fc RS |
585 | Is this ANYWHERE, USA?\0 |
586 | Is this BOISE??\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 587 | Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?\0 |
82a393fc RS |
588 | Is this my STOP??\0 |
589 | Is this TERMINAL fun?\0 | |
3b1e30d3 | 590 | Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also |
a0cf9a65 | 591 | makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?\0 |
82a393fc RS |
592 | Is this where people are HOT and NICE and they give you TOAST for |
593 | FREE??\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
594 | Isn't this my STOP?!\0 |
595 | It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!\0 | |
596 | It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages | |
597 | from DAVID LETTERMAN!! YOW!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
598 | It's 74 degrees, 12 minutes NORTH, and 41 degrees, 3 minutes EAST!! |
599 | Soon, it will be TUESDAY!!\0 | |
600 | It's a lot of fun being alive... I wonder if my bed is made?!?\0 | |
601 | It's hard being an ARTIST!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
602 | It's NO USE.. I've gone to ``CLUB MED''!!\0 |
603 | It's OBVIOUS.. The FURS never reached ISTANBUL.. You were | |
604 | an EXTRA in the REMAKE of ``TOPKAPI''.. Go home to your | |
605 | WIFE.. She's making FRENCH TOAST!\0 | |
606 | It's OKAY --- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
607 | ...It's REAL ROUND.. And it's got a POINTY PART right in the MIDDLE!! |
608 | The shape is SMOOTH.. ..And COLD.. It feels very COMFORTABLE on my | |
609 | CHEEK.. I'm getting EMOTIONAL..\0 | |
610 | It's so OBVIOUS!!\0 | |
611 | It's strange, but I'm only TRULY ALIVE when I'm covered in POLKA DOTS | |
612 | and TACO SAUCE...\0 | |
613 | It's the land of DONNY AND MARIE as promised in TV GUIDE!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 614 | It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!\0 |
82a393fc | 615 | It's today's SPECIAL!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
616 | JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach |
617 | their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING...\0 | |
618 | Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL..\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
619 | Join the PLUMBER'S UNION!!\0 |
620 | ...Just enough time to do my LIBERACE impression...\0 | |
621 | Just imagine you're entering a state-of-the-art CAR WASH!!\0 | |
622 | Just to have MORE FUN, I'll pretend I am JAMES CAGNEY and I am having | |
623 | a tense, UP-TIGHT EXPERIENCE!!\0 | |
624 | KARL MALDEN'S NOSE just won an ACADEMY AWARD!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
625 | Kids, don't gross me off.. ``Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE'' |
626 | can be carried too FAR!\0 | |
627 | Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, | |
628 | PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
629 | Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ...um...um... th' washing machine |
630 | is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 631 | LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
632 | Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you.. |
633 | I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE.. | |
634 | I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS...\0 | |
635 | Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS...\0 | |
822eb217 | 636 | Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
637 | Let's climb to the TOP of that MOUNTAIN and think about STRIP MINING!!\0 |
638 | Let's go to CHURCH!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 639 | Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!\0 |
82a393fc | 640 | LIFE is a never-ending INFORMERCIAL!\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 641 | Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
642 | Life is selling REVOLUTIONARY HAIR PRODUCTS!\0 |
643 | .. Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST | |
644 | here in DUSSELDORF!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
645 | Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!\0 |
646 | Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS... | |
647 | or a HIGHBALL??...\0 | |
648 | Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!\0 | |
649 | Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
650 | Look!! Karl Malden!\0 |
651 | LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and | |
652 | ``Flock of Seagulls'' HAIRCUTS!\0 | |
653 | LOOK!!! I'm WALKING in my SLEEP again!!\0 | |
654 | LOU GRANT froze my ASSETS!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
655 | Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!\0 |
656 | Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP | |
657 | in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!\0 | |
658 | Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE--\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
659 | MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!\0 |
660 | MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
661 | Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed |
662 | with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!!... Oh BOY!! I'm | |
663 | about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG | |
664 | soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! .. Let's see.. | |
665 | Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, BABY LAMBS | |
666 | fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded | |
667 | animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! | |
668 | For DESSERT, I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS | |
669 | on a stone-ground, WHOLE WHEAT BUN!!\0 | |
670 | Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production | |
671 | of the INDONESIAN archipelago?\0 | |
672 | My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!\0 | |
673 | My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off.. It has noiseless | |
674 | DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!!\0 | |
675 | My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE | |
676 | in upstate New York!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 677 | My DIGITAL WATCH has an automatic SNOOZE FEATURE!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 678 | My EARS are GONE!!\0 |
82a393fc | 679 | My ELBOW is a remote FRENCH OUTPOST!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 680 | My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
681 | My FAVORITE group is "QUESTION MARK & THE MYSTERIANS"...\0 |
682 | My forehead feels like a PACKAGE of moist CRANBERRIES in a remote | |
683 | FRENCH OUTPOST!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 684 | My haircut is totally traditional!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
685 | MY income is ALL disposable!\0 |
686 | My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN..\0 | |
687 | My LIBRARY CARD expired...\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
688 | My life is a patio of fun!\0 |
689 | My mind is a potato field...\0 | |
690 | My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton....\0 | |
691 | My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie...\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
692 | .. my NOSE is NUMB!\0 |
693 | .. My pants just went on a wild rampage through | |
694 | a Long Island Bowling Alley!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
695 | My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!\0 |
696 | My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!\0 | |
82a393fc | 697 | My TOYOTA is built like a ... BAGEL with CREAM CHEESE!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 698 | My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!\0 |
82a393fc | 699 | .. My vaseline is RUNNING...\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
700 | NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!\0 |
701 | NATHAN... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! | |
702 | They're VOIDED - They COLLAPSED | |
703 | They had no CHAINSAWS... They had no MONEY MACHINES... | |
704 | They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS... | |
705 | Nathan, I EMULATED them... but they were OFF-KEY...\0 | |
706 | NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
707 | Nice decor!\0 |
708 | Not enough people play SKEE-BALL.. They're always thinking about | |
709 | COCAINE or and ALIEN BEINGS!!\0 | |
710 | NOT fucking!! Also not a PACKAGE of LOOSE-LEAF PAPER!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
711 | Not SENSUOUS... only ``FROLICSOME''... |
712 | and in need of DENTAL WORK... in PAIN!!!\0 | |
3b1e30d3 | 713 | NOW do I get to blow out the CANDLES??\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 714 | Now I am depressed...\0 |
82a393fc RS |
715 | Now I can join WEIGHT WATCHERS!\0 |
716 | Now I need a suntan, a tennis lesson, Annette Funicello and two dozen | |
717 | Day-Glo orange paper jumpsuits!!\0 | |
718 | .. Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes | |
719 | JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
720 | Now I understand the meaning of ``THE MOD SQUAD''!\0 |
721 | Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP | |
722 | with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!\0 | |
723 | Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward | |
724 | the end of World War II!\0 | |
822eb217 | 725 | Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round |
82a393fc | 726 | wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS |
a0cf9a65 | 727 | and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT..\0 |
82a393fc RS |
728 | Now I'm telling MISS PIGGY about MONEY MARKET FUNDS!\0 |
729 | .. Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS..\0 | |
730 | Now KEN is having a MENTAL CRISIS beacuse his "R.V." PAYMENTS are | |
731 | OVER-DUE!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
732 | Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the |
733 | SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!\0 | |
734 | Now that I have my ``APPLE,'' I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 735 | Now that we're in LOVE, you can BUY this GOLDFISH for a 48% DISCOUNT.\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
736 | Now, I think it would be GOOD to buy FIVE or SIX STUDEBAKERS |
737 | and CRUISE for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
738 | NOW, I'm supposed to SCRAMBLE two, and HOLD th' MAYO!!\0 |
739 | NOW, I'm taking the NEXT FLIGHT to ACAPULCO so I can write POEMS about | |
740 | BROKEN GUITAR STRINGS and sensuous PRE-TEENS!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 741 | Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
742 | Now, my ENTIRE LIFE is flashing before my EYES as I park my DODGE |
743 | DART in your EXXON service area for a COMPLETE LUBRICATION!!\0 | |
744 | O.K.! Speak with a PHILADELPHIA ACCENT!! Send out for CHINESE FOOD!! | |
745 | Hop a JET!\0 | |
746 | Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --\0 | |
747 | Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!\0 | |
748 | Oh, FISH sticks, CHEEZ WHIZ, GIN fizz, SHOW BIZ!!\0 | |
749 | Oh, I get it!! ``The BEACH goes on,'' huh, SONNY??\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
750 | OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, |
751 | FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
752 | Okay, BARBRA STREISAND, I recognize you now!! Also EFREM ZIMBALIST, |
753 | JUNIOR!! And BEAUMONT NEWHALL!! Everybody into th' BATHROOM!\0 | |
754 | Okay.. I'm going home to write the ``I HATE RUBIK's CUBE | |
755 | HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS''..\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
756 | OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O |
757 | and a BIG WRENCH!!... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if | |
758 | it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT... ...or...I...um... WHERE'S the | |
759 | WASHING MACHINES?\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
760 | On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and |
761 | watch REGIS PHILBIN.. It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!\0 | |
762 | On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL | |
763 | QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD | |
764 | if only we let it!!\0 | |
765 | On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never | |
766 | without a POINT.\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
767 | .. Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family |
768 | of DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their | |
769 | PROPERTY VALUES!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
770 | Once, there was NO fun... This was before MENU planning, |
771 | FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment... | |
772 | Then, in 1985.. FUN was completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP.. | |
773 | It contain 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots!! | |
774 | We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we finally got JERRY LEWIS, | |
775 | MTV and a large selection of creme-filled snack cakes!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
776 | .. One FISHWICH coming up!!\0 |
777 | ONE: I will donate my entire ``BABY HUEY'' comic book collection | |
778 | to the downtown PLASMA CENTER.. | |
779 | TWO: I won't START a BAND called ``KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD''.. | |
780 | THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!\0 | |
781 | .. or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me | |
782 | in MIAMI last Tuesday?\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
783 | Our father who art in heaven.. I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY |
784 | at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN.. | |
785 | and also leave a GENEROUS TIP...\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
786 | .. over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting..\0 |
787 | OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE | |
788 | and BEYOND REPAIR!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 789 | PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
790 | Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE |
791 | with your BOOTH!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
792 | PEGGY FLEMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.\0 |
793 | ...PENGUINS are floating by...\0 | |
794 | PIZZA!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
795 | Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS |
796 | in the Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!\0 | |
797 | Please come home with me... I have Tylenol!!\0 | |
798 | Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
799 | PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!\0 |
800 | Put FIVE DOZEN red GIRDLES in each CIRCULAR OPENING!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 801 | Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
802 | QUIET!! I'm being CREATIVE!! Is it GREAT yet? It's s'posed to |
803 | SMOKEY THE BEAR...\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 804 | RELATIVES!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
805 | RELAX!! ... This is gonna be a HEALING EXPERIENCE!! Besides, |
806 | I work for DING DONGS!\0 | |
807 | Remember, if you try to ESCAPE, many APARTMENT HOPPING ALCOHOLICS will | |
808 | SIMONIZE your HALLWAYS!! This is your LAST WARNING!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
809 | Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available |
810 | ONLY by prescription!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 811 | RHAPSODY in Glue!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
812 | SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright |
813 | blue LEG WARMERS.. He scrubs the POPE with a mild | |
814 | soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
815 | Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, |
816 | San Francisco, CA 94140, USA\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
817 | SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS |
818 | into empty OIL DRUMS..\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 819 | Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?\0 |
82a393fc RS |
820 | .. Should I get locked in the PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE today -- |
821 | or have a VASECTOMY??\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
822 | Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK |
823 | hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?\0 | |
824 | Sign my PETITION.\0 | |
825 | So this is what it feels like to be potato salad\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
826 | .. So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYBEAN FUTURES into |
827 | HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks | |
828 | will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!\0 | |
829 | .. someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN\0 | |
830 | Someone is DROOLING on my collar!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
831 | Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!\0 |
832 | Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
833 | Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up |
834 | a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
835 | Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing |
836 | ``Leave it to Beaver''!\0 | |
837 | Sorry, wrong ZIP CODE!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
838 | Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?\0 |
839 | TAILFINS!! ...click...\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
840 | Talking Pinhead Blues: |
841 | Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on | |
842 | channel TWENTY-SIX!! | |
843 | Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS | |
844 | has been DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff) | |
845 | My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th'dog, ALEXANDER | |
846 | HAIG won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter.. (snurf) | |
847 | So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me | |
848 | upside mah HAID!! (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
849 | TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the |
850 | ``Wash Cycle'' is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!\0 | |
851 | TATTOOED MIDGETS are using ALFREDO in their SALAMI FACTORY!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
852 | Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me |
853 | to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!\0 | |
854 | Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
855 | Th' PINK SOCK... soaking... soaking... soaking... |
856 | Th' PINK SOCK... washing... washing... washing... | |
857 | Th' PINK SOCK... rinsing... rinsing... rinsing...\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 858 | Thank god!!.. It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
859 | That's a decision that can only be made between you & SY SPERLING!!\0 |
860 | The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth | |
861 | the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!\0 | |
862 | The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- | |
863 | and have since BIRTH!!\0 | |
864 | The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading | |
865 | down my SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 866 | The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN...\0 |
82a393fc RS |
867 | .. the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA |
868 | is a barbequed OYSTER! Yum!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 869 | The Korean War must have been fun.\0 |
3b1e30d3 | 870 | "THE LITTLE PINK FLESH SISTERS," I saw them at th' FLUORESCENT BULB |
82a393fc | 871 | MAKERS CONVENTION...\0 |
3b1e30d3 | 872 | The LOGARITHM of an ISOSCELES TRIANGLE is TUESDAY WELD!!\0 |
82a393fc | 873 | .. the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
874 | The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!\0 |
875 | The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!\0 | |
876 | The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! | |
877 | But they went to MARS around 1953!!\0 | |
878 | The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU..\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
879 | ..The TENSION mounts as I MASSAGE your RIGHT ANKLE according to |
880 | ancient Tibetan ACCOUNTING PROCEDURES..are you NEUROTIC yet??\0 | |
881 | Then, it's off to RED CHINA!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
882 | There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS |
883 | in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
884 | There's a lot of BIG MONEY in MISERY if you have an AGENT!!\0 |
885 | There's a SALE on STRETCH SOCKS down at the "7-11"!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
886 | There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!\0 |
887 | These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!\0 | |
888 | They collapsed.... like nuns in the street... | |
889 | they had no teen appeal!\0 | |
82a393fc | 890 | They don't hire PERSONAL PINHEADS, Mr. Toad!\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 891 | This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD... He's so..so.....URGENT!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
892 | This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!\0 |
893 | This is my WILLIAM BENDIX memorial CORNER where I worship William | |
894 | Bendix like a GOD!!\0 | |
895 | This is PLEASANT!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
896 | This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully |
897 | pressed up against someone's MARTINI!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 898 | .. this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
899 | This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!\0 |
900 | This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE.. And he has ``VISA''!!\0 | |
901 | This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE | |
902 | is talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film..\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
903 | Those aren't WINOS--that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, |
904 | my SWORD SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!\0 | |
905 | Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a... | |
906 | feeling for the aesthetic modules --\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
907 | Three attractive BANK ROBBERS are discussing RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES and |
908 | MAKE-UP TECHNIQUE with them!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
909 | Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of |
910 | TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER!\0 | |
911 | Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES... | |
82a393fc | 912 | Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! |
a0cf9a65 | 913 | I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.\0 |
82a393fc RS |
914 | TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??\0 |
915 | Two LITTLE black dots and one BIG black dot...nice 'n' FLUFFY!!\0 | |
916 | Two with FLUFFO, hold th' BEETS..side of SOYETTES!\0 | |
917 | Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader | |
918 | frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?\0 | |
919 | Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
920 | UH-OH!! I put on ``GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's'' |
921 | by mistake!!!\0 | |
922 | UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S | |
923 | having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 924 | Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!\0 |
82a393fc RS |
925 | UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!\0 |
926 | ...Um...Um...\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
927 | Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!\0 |
928 | Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and | |
929 | TAX-DEFERRED!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
930 | ..Wait 'til those ITALIAN TEENAGERS get back to their HONDAS & |
931 | discover them to be FILLED to the BRIM with MAZOLA!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
932 | Wait.. is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??\0 |
933 | Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!\0 | |
934 | We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub...\0 | |
935 | We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --\0 | |
936 | We just joined the civil hair patrol!\0 | |
937 | We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. | |
938 | 45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!\0 | |
3b1e30d3 | 939 | Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. |
82a393fc RS |
940 | I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. |
941 | I HATE it. I LIKE.. EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
942 | Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to |
943 | VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
944 | Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN.. I might as well pay a visit to the |
945 | LADIES ROOM...\0 | |
946 | Well, I'm on the right planet---everyone looks like me!!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
947 | Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of |
948 | EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 949 | Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?\0 |
82a393fc | 950 | What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized ``SNOOTS OF THE STARS'' dealer!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
951 | What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?\0 |
952 | What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK...\0 | |
953 | What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?\0 | |
954 | What PROGRAM are they watching?\0 | |
955 | What UNIVERSE is this, please??\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
956 | What's the MATTER Sid?.. Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?\0 |
957 | When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP | |
958 | or DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it..\0 | |
959 | When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN..\0 | |
960 | When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?\0 | |
961 | When you said ``HEAVILY FORESTED'' it reminded me of an overdue | |
962 | CLEANING BILL.. Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE | |
963 | COIN COLLECTION and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!\0 | |
964 | Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?\0 | |
965 | Where does it go when you flush?\0 | |
82a393fc | 966 | Where's my SOCIAL WORKER?\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
967 | Where's SANDY DUNCAN?\0 |
968 | Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??\0 | |
969 | Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!\0 | |
82a393fc | 970 | While I'm in LEVITTOWN I thought I'd like to see the NUCLEAR FAMILY!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
971 | While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, |
972 | Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!\0 | |
973 | While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S | |
974 | bank account.. This will have the same effect as | |
975 | two ``STARCH BLOCKERS''!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
976 | WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!\0 |
977 | Who wants some OYSTERS with SEN-SEN an' COOL WHIP?\0 | |
978 | WHOA!! I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE right NOW!!\0 | |
979 | WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must | |
980 | be the NEGATIVE IONS!!\0 | |
981 | Why am I in this ROOM in DOWNTOWN PHILADELPHIA?\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 982 | Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??\0 |
82a393fc | 983 | WHY are we missing KOJAK?\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
984 | Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin?? |
985 | Don't you know your own ZIPCODE?\0 | |
986 | Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?\0 | |
987 | Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your | |
988 | HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you??\0 | |
82a393fc | 989 | Why was I BORN?\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
990 | Will it improve my CASH FLOW?\0 |
991 | Will the third world war keep ``Bosom Buddies'' off the air?\0 | |
992 | Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
993 | With this weapon I can expose fictional characters and bring about |
994 | sweeping reforms!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
995 | With YOU, I can be MYSELF.. We don't NEED Dan Rather..\0 |
996 | World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced | |
997 | dress code!\0 | |
998 | Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!\0 | |
999 | Xerox your lunch and file it under ``sex offenders!''\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
1000 | Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather |
1001 | at an IRON MAIDEN concert?\0 | |
82a393fc | 1002 | Yes, Private DOBERMAN!!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
1003 | You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!\0 |
1004 | You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR | |
1005 | th' distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?\0 | |
1006 | You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
1007 | You must be a CUB SCOUT!! Have you made your MONEY-DROP today??\0 |
1008 | YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
1009 | You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide |
1010 | on a NEW CAREER!!\0 | |
1011 | You were s'posed to laugh!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
1012 | YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little |
1013 | VICTORIAN DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!\0 | |
1014 | YOU'D cry too if it happened to YOU!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
1015 | Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --\0 |
1016 | Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental attitudes!\0 | |
1017 | Yow!\0 | |
82a393fc | 1018 | Yow! Am I cleansed yet?!\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
1019 | Yow! Am I having fun yet?\0 |
1020 | Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?\0 | |
82a393fc | 1021 | Yow! Am I JOGGING yet??\0 |
a0cf9a65 | 1022 | Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!\0 |
82a393fc | 1023 | Yow! Are we in the perfect mood?\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
1024 | Yow! Are we laid back yet?\0 |
1025 | Yow! Are we wet yet?\0 | |
1026 | Yow! Are you the self-frying president?\0 | |
1027 | Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
1028 | YOW! I can see 1987!! PRESIDENT FORD is doing the REMAKE of "PAGAN |
1029 | LOVE SONG"...he's playing ESTHER WILLIAMS!!\0 | |
1030 | Yow! I forgot my PAIL!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 1031 | Yow! I just went below the poverty line!\0 |
82a393fc | 1032 | Yow! I like my new DENTIST...\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
1033 | Yow! I threw up on my window!\0 |
1034 | Yow! I want my nose in lights!\0 | |
1035 | Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!\0 | |
822eb217 | 1036 | Yow! I'm having a quadraphonic sensation of two winos |
a0cf9a65 NF |
1037 | alone in a steel mill!\0 |
1038 | Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
1039 | Yow! I'm out of work...I could go into shock absorbers...or SCUBA |
1040 | GEAR!!\0 | |
1041 | Yow! I'm UNEMPLOYED!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 NF |
1042 | Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?\0 |
1043 | Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??\0 | |
1044 | Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!\0 | |
1045 | Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!\0 | |
1046 | Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY--\0 | |
1047 | Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING BALL | |
1048 | when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!\0 | |
1049 | Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!\0 | |
82a393fc | 1050 | Yow! STYROFOAM..\0 |
a0cf9a65 NF |
1051 | Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!\0 |
1052 | Yow! We're going to a new disco!\0 | |
82a393fc RS |
1053 | YOW!!\0 |
1054 | Yow!! "Janitor trapped in sewer uses ESP to find decayed burger"!!\0 | |
1055 | YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!\0 | |
1056 | YOW!! I am having FUN!!\0 | |
1057 | YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!\0 | |
1058 | Yow!! It's LIBERACE and TUESDAY WELD!! High on a HILL... driving a | |
1059 | LITTLE CAR... I wanna be in that LITTLE CAR, too!! I wanna drive off | |
1060 | with LIBBY and TUESDAY!\0 | |
1061 | YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY | |
1062 | and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!\0 | |
1063 | YOW!! Now I'm playing with my HOLOGRAPHIC ATOMIC SIMULATION LASER | |
1064 | pinball machine!! WORLD PEACE is in the BALANCE!!\0 | |
1065 | Yow!! That's a GOOD IDEA!! Eating a whole FIELD of COUGH MEDICINE | |
1066 | should make you feel MUCH BETTER!!\0 | |
1067 | YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!\0 | |
1068 | YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!\0 | |
1069 | YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth | |
1070 | of CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild | |
1071 | SEX WEEKEND!\0 | |
1072 | YOW!!! I am having fun!!!\0 | |
1073 | YUGGA-HUGGA-BUGGA-TUGGA!! HEY-HEY!! A TRAIN STATION!! No, a POST | |
1074 | OFFICE!! An OCEAN LINER!! No, I think it's a CAFETERIA!!!\0 | |
a0cf9a65 | 1075 | Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses...\0 |